Words from my Heart...

Mum in a wheelchair at SGH A&E at 4am The past few days has been rather tiring. I haven’t had proper sleep, waking up at 3.30am. I wake up, go to the toilet, take wudhuk and have been doing night prayers. I pray for mummy’s health and that the suffering would not be much. Sometimes I read Ratib, or surah Yasin or just recite selawat Syifa many times. I sleep again at 5am and wake up for the day’s events at 6.15am. Mummy is now alone, in isolation ward, because the Drs need to check if she has TB in her lungs. She has been tested positive for TB in her spine… Meaning 6 weeks of Antibiotics under IVF drip… Allah : ( I can sense she wants to give up. She misses home. She misses her grandkids, but I am in really no control of when she can be discharged. This antibiotics also comes with its own side effects eg liver and nerves failure. But then again, all medications comes with a risk of side effects although it’s low. Last week I sent mum to SGH at 4am,...

Everytime mum goes into hospital, My life will go topsy turvy For a start, the hospital is not near home, from Tampines to Outram is quite a journey. The journey itself is tiring as the walk to the hospital blocks are a challenge when going with kids. To Drive there also takes effort. Not having time on my side also drains me and I have to juggle a full time career, kids schoolwork/tuition and time for visiting mum and speaking to the drs all at once. you feel me? We took mum out from CGH after a minor commotion at the ward when Mas went against the Drs advise to get mum out. Her fever was down but the scans showed something unusual. I will be sending mum to SGH later tonight... maybe ard 3 am to beat the A&E crowd We have to get Mum warded there instead. The DRs at SGH seems more knowledgeable and sure, thus leaving us feeling at ease. CT scan showed some pus on the bottom of her spine....causing the excruciating pain that mum have been putting up w...

Back from hiatus.  The past few mths was spent on caring, fussing and spending time with the kids and immersing my concentration on their school work and their well being of adjusting to a new class with new teachers.  I tried to heal myself by forgetting about that one person whom I had yearned for.  I cut off all contacts and I spend my free time, reading the Quran.  I tried to drown my sorrows by cooking for the kids, I thought I was doing well, on the road to happiness.... but even that didn't really prepare me for what I was told a few moments earlier. Mum has a spine infection and she has to be warded longer. The Dr's at CGH is not farmiliar with this bug, thus more test would have to be done. I am praying her MRI scan results will be negative of anything deadly. 2 days ago, I rushed mum to the hospital at 3am in an Ambulance. It was my first ambulance ride and I never thought, that one day I would be sitting in front of an ambulance, while mak sits...

Bonding time together at the Hill Top Bridge Adik surveying the FIG tree  The weekend passed by too quickly these days... I love the ones where we get to spend time together doing fulfilled activities I love my family and treasure every moment with them.... The kids grow up too fast actually. This weekend, Adik and Abah joined Ummi on a long 10km hike along the southern ridges. Even though it wasn't an easy trail, you guys did not complain and accompanied my whims and fancies.  I also got to bring Abang to a big meal for dinner at Swensons Changi Airport since he gave the trail a missed. Its important I get to spend time with both my kids, equally.... Nothing else matters if the kids are happy in a good way. I also told Dear Hubby how much I treasure him spending time with me.  I love you guys with all my heart.  Healing is a process Letting go of the EGO. Forgiveness... and Just loving.... At the end of the day, it...

Daddy called me today as I was stepping out of the bus, just a few steps from home... Its been awhile....I took the call.  I was holding back the tears.... I'm sure he knew....I will always be his little girl.  Dad gave me some advise....about what sadness I was facing.  all I wanted for him to know was that I missed his presence in my life..... I know where he is, somewhere in JB  yet, I have not found the permission to visit him....I am sure, after 7 long years, I now have the courage to see him face to face.... i realized whatever dad did or what were his reasons, It was not to harm me.  It may be due to circumstances.... As humans, we err and sin... Allahhhhh.....  I'm glad we talked... Alhamdullilah .....

Mum after her Dialysis session at NKF  Just Dropped of Mummy for her dialysis session. Time check 6.25 am It has been my duty to drive Mak for her dialysis session every Monday morning right after Subuh. The dialysis centre is roughly 10 mins drive from home. Alhamdullilah for the opportunity. I see it as an obligation of a child towards her mother. I usually drop Mak off and while seeing her walk under the blocks, my heart says a prayer for her...while I'm in my car; for Allah to ease Mak's life and grant her good health and happiness. Then I drive off.... Tawakkal to Allah SWT to take care of Mak for me.... HE is the best Protector. Mak is strong.... On Wednesdays and Fridays Morning.... I'd call GRAB taxi to fetch her at her place and send her to the centre. Time will be around 6.15am. Mak obviously is a brave granny! To take a taxi in the wee hours alone. Masya'Allah. I pray, that she will end her life, a good way with Husnul Khotima, considering the sadness...

Mum was admitted again last night..... after spending 6 hours at A n E, she finally got a bed..... Her fistula veins got spoilt again and she had not gotten her morning dialysis...her legs got swollen At 10pm, she was brought to the cold surgery room to get her neck poked with a catheter. At 1am, she had her dialysis.... Alhamdullilah, today her legs got better.  Next Tues will be her ballooning surgery.... I cant describe how tiring this journey has been..... especially, the leave application and the journey to and fro the hospital. But I pray, my kiddos sees this journey and if ever I need them when I am old, they would be there for me.... Insya'Allah..... as for mum, I realized, she is a very strong lady.....else, she would not have been put through this test....

Alhamdullilah..... Kiddos, Ummi reached Juz' 8 today!! I am smiling...Yeah...... : ) #MyQuranJourney

Dont you wish sometimes, some people could just stay in your life....and never leave?? I wished you never left us daddy.... I wished, everything goes back like how it was.... In nights like this, when the kids are asleep and I am all alone and there are just so many things going on, I wish so much that I have you by my side. You used to give me good advise and make me feel that everything will be all right..... Dad, I miss you. Why.... Abang is just not behaving today... Sometimes, you behave, and sometimes, nothing else goes through..... Ummi is wondering, how else, Ummi can help you.... It really takes alot of patience..... Ummi has to hold a belt before you can even listen.... Oh God, please show me the right way to be the best parent to this child..... : (

Spent the CNY holiday break attending Shaykh Aslam's events organised by Sout Ilaahi.... Including a close-door session talk where Shaykh Abdul Aziz Ahmed and Shaykh Aslam's discussed moderation in Islam.... I still can remember the Pizza Gang story which really is useful on how to show moderation when dealing with situations in our daily lives... It is very important to handle everything in moderation. Not every thing has to be forceful and follow our own believes.  Took too many notes for my own self improvement.... realized that at the end of the day, its very important to repent and return back to ALLAH swt no matter how much we have sinned.  Seriously, thanks to Sout Ilaahi for organising this talk....I really like the founders of this organisation K and A....they are my friends for so many years, and they are people who welcome people from all walks of life eventhough they are so busy doing what they do....RESPECT.... Ahamdullilah, I got to do khidmah...

Ok, finally I caved in.... On MC today despite working for the past 3 days with fever and flu.  Went to my old blog here , relived the memories..re read the stories..... My heart yearns for our old life back.... We were literally the 'Habaibs chasers'...... we used to visit any Ulama' and Alims we know who were in town, local ones, foreign ones, visited them at their homes, stalked them outside the masjids.... Masya'Allah....The pictures of my kids, my pregnancy stories and I could never forget 'Little Habib' Hubby, can we have our old life back? Visiting Habib Abbas at Marshall Lane- Habby with Adik on his lap Hubby carrying Abang to get doa khusus from Shaykh Khalil Moore  Abang aka Little Habib getting doa khusus fom Habib Al Banjari Abang getting doa khusus from Habib Umar bin Hafiz while Ustaz Hassan looks on Us attending Maulid attended by Almarhum Habib Munzir Al Mussawwa A bangs's 2nd Birthday party...

In some walks, you just have to be alone... but why do you have to leave me? Why didn't you just went ahead....to love me 110 percent? Don't you know that I could love you even more? They say time will heal, To me, it just erases the hurt but the memories remain...and when your mind wonders, That's when the hurt return..... It hurt's that you no longer talk to me the way you do, don't you know, I pray for you always. I covered my heart, and changed the sadness to a smile, picked up the broken pieces so no one will ever know .... I see the chaos, I felt the pain, I know the loneliness ..... yet I call it LOVE.

Lately, There is a strong feeling in me.... That is ... I need to change.... I NEED a CHANGE but I kept on procrastinating and tell myself that it will start in 2016, the day I turn another year older. These are my thoughts of late..... 1. More attention on the kids studies and Akhlaq. This needs alot of time, effort and Dua. More researching on ways to help Abang cope and change. 2. Quran reading - Aim to Qatam Quran for the first time in 2016.  3. Solat - To never miss a prayer. Something till now, I am not able to put full focus on due to work and tiredness.  4. Less meet ups with friends if not necessary. There are a few groups of girlfriends that I meet for dinner every month. Maybe, I can cut down on this or maybe, I should only go if hubby gives full approval. All this while, I assume he allows and never seeks his permission.  5. More time with Le Hubby...even if he is too Busy, I need to find time to have at least a small coffee session w...

I ts amazing how fast Mak is healing and how she is already up and About....The surgery cut is also healing nicely.  My heart is calm now that Mak is back home. Its true.... after hardship comes ease.... Alhamdullilah... Mak is back home, resting, receiving visitors. It was a total of 8 days in SGH.  The only change I have been observing is Mak tend to act very childishly now, almost like a kid who wants alot of attention.She talks like a kid and is extra Manja.  Hope, its just a post surgery syndrome and not anything permanent.... Went to 2 of Shaykh Afeefudin's lectures just now at Masjid Mydin and Masjid Alkaff.  2 really good classes where I got alot of advise...... He stressed for us to be thankful in times of happiness as well as trials. Say Alhamdullilah. Even if it is a test, say Alhamdullilah.... ALLAH will give a solution for it when we have no knowledge of how to solve the problem.  ALLAH knows what is best fo...

Been Visiting Mak daily at SGH daily... Could not bear not visiting Mak...even though I feel so tired from work.  Alhamdullilah I am so thankful, Bibik does the morning visits to bath and clean Mak... She is really street smart and can go to SGH by train on her own.  I do not know how to repay Bibik..... She has taken alot of load off me in terms of physical strength....I am breathless most of the time.  Alhamdullilah Mak is feeling better today... She could do some exercise and and her legs feel better. Not as painful as before... could be the input of Calcium through her neck.  Dr Jeremy Ng from SGH is indeed an excellent Doctor. He has treated my mother well and did the Paratyroid surgery as neat and careful as possible.  Not only is he experience, he also has a caring and gentlemanly character of a Man.  The card that I gave him cannot compare to how much he has helped us. Always there when I have any queries and easily re...

Mummy's paratyroid surgery is today..... It has been a painful few weeks.  hopefully, removing the paratyroids will give back Calcium to her bones and she wont feel much pain after this..... Staying strong for her. Left her at her bed side yesterday....she looked forlorn but strong..... My 2 brothers are not around...travelling and work.  I'm so thankful to have Mas with me...else, It will be even harder..... Praying hard, all will be well....

I told hubby I missed him....It was unplanned. It just blurted out...maybe cos it was sincere. Since he started work with SXXX, he has been leaving early to fetch a friend, and driving to Bishan.  He used to send me to work. That little time, we would squeeze in breakfast, and catch up on work stories and the kids.  I didn't know that this change in routine will have an impact on me but it did. Slowly, I felt as if I missed him....especially in the morning when I am on my way to work, alone...just me and my storybook.  He bought me new black ballerina shoes over the weekend. It has always been Clarks.  Its an annual thing at Isetan,Parkway The shoes are well over a hundred dollars, but hubby always wanted me to wear comfy shoes so that I can walk and not complain of any leg pains.  He knew it has to be Clarks because of my big feet and Clark shoes cater to women with Big feet and gives it cushion and comfort as well. He knew that I would rather b...

Tonight, I cried after reading the Quran...I was alone at the Musollah....The kids were asleep..... I thought I had lost the sense to cry to GOD. It has been quite some time, that my heart seemed hardened and most times, I could only stare in space after making doas... Tonight, I cried....like a baby.... Ya ALLAH...I seek your refuge, I seek your protection.... I cried because I thought of Mak and how she is enduring the pains in her bones. I cried thinking of how tired I am that I had missed Habib Ali's class without even remembering that there is class tonight. I cried because Abang has brushed away my kisses on his cheeks and shouted because he was cranky due to his runny nose. I cried because work is terrible and highly stressful and as a Team Lead, I am expected to be able to handle it. I cried thinking of how unfortunate some Muslims are around the world, the Rohingyas, the Syrians and the Palestinians...all of whom face bigger catastrophes than what I am f...

Today is Dear Hubby last week with current job. Mood is melancholic of course, but I have been telling hubby that new and better things awaits. I am looking forward to a free Thursday night, now that he do not have anymore concalls on Thurs night, at least we can go to masjid Ba’alwie whenever Friday is a PH. Insya’Allah. There is always a blessing towards any failure or fall. The kids are oblivious. They know Abah will leave O.... and they know Abah have not found another job yet , but they don’t understand that finance will be a little tight until Abah finds another job. The kids don’t know the discussions that Ummi and Abah have every morning and every night. Through all this, I am thankful, Abah still can smile and became close to all of us like before.  Eventhough Abah has lots of ideas, on what he wants to do, I am sure his heart will only be ease once he has secured something stable and firm. I know, he is worried. I can see an increase in his Jema...

Study time during exam season are the hardest and most stressful.  Not only do we have alot of topics to cover, but to see Abang struggling with the past topics really makes me sad.  Abang can pass well for English and Malay but his Maths and Science are terrible. I had hoped that Abang would do well for Science but it seems his grasps for this subject is very basic.  Ummi always shout at Abang....cos I know he can do better but refuse to concentrate.... Hubby keeps telling me to let him grow at his own pace but I always felt that if I didn't push him, he will not get any better. I pity Abang and really wonder what his future will be like. Abang does not know the importance of good education yet.  Adik on the hand, can do better that what she is achieving now. Unfortunately, I often leave her on her own to study as I am monitoring and guiding Abang.  I feel terrible for neglecting Adik. That is what I am trying to stop "Facebook time and going...