This feeling of wanting to submit totally to Allah has been around me for the last few days. Stronger than ever.
Ya Allah, Ya Rabb, I feel weak, as if Im ready to let go of all worldly matters. I keep thinking about this, Silently..I keep thinking about God.
Yesterday, i cross over to the nearby Mosque and solat Magrib berjemaah. Rasa sangat tenang.
I started feeling this way ever since I realised that I am being hated, being put in the centre of family polictics, yet I never had the intentions to be bad.
I just want things to function properly. I dont want anyone to be made use off especially mum. I have to say what is wrong, for I dont want to be questioned by Allah later, but I am weak and always being pushed away.
Seriously, I am happy, smiling and loving to my hubby and kids cos I want to built a happy family. Yet, there are some people who hates me for being happy.
Jealousy? Perception? Imagination? ....well, I am sorry they feel as if I am showing off, or I am being proud. Allah the All Knowing knows my intentions.
I am genuinely happy with my family. I love and adore my Hubby. I am so in love with him more than he knows. I want to be the best wife but of cos, I am still not. Alhamdullilah, at this moment, I am thankful for my marriage, and I hope I will be for the rest of time.
I am genuinely happy to be with my active and clingy kids, eventhough at times, I am worn down by them, I am still striving to be a happy mum.
I want to be a good sister to my siblings, but I cant help it If I dont get to spend to much time with them due to my work and own family commitments.
I want to be a good cousin or niece but sometimes, I am shy or I dont feel comfortable with other kinds of activitities like travelling or dinner with them again cos of the work and my own family life. I think of the kids all the time.
I feel suffocated sometimes, but at the end of the day, I am thankful for them talkative and clingy kids. Many Mummies will agree with me here...
I am sorry and really sad that I give my relatives the impression that I am proud. Me proud? I guess if you really know me, you will know that I am so soft inside and all I want is Goodness for you. Yes, I want happiness and goodness for you.
I always pray that my siblings will be guided to the right path. I want nothing more to see my siblings, cousins, aunties and uncles happy, sucessful and devoted to Allah and successful in this life and hearafter.
Inilah akhir zaman, sedara-mara akan bergaduh dan berdengki, hasad sama satu dan lain, inilah akhir zaman yang sanagt mencabar.
I wonder. if I am facing such challenges in my time, what about my innocent children? Will they face such challenges in their life too. Life is not a bed of roses. It is a Jihad, to fight the Nafs, and to fight to be close to Allah. My children, so innocent, will they learn that gracefully?
Subhan'Allah.... Aku berserah kepada mu, anak-anak ku dan ahli keluarga ku. Semoga Engkau melindungi mereka.
Ya'Allah, letakkan aku dan akhli keluargaku ke jalan yang benar, dan golangan orang orang Mukmin dan Solehin.
Ya'Allah, berilah aku dan ahli keluarga ku kebahagian Duniya Wal Akhirat...Ameen.