Showing posts from September, 2015

~ What lies ahead....

The good news we were waiting for this week, never came....
I am confuse..if I should be the good person and be the patient wife or just break down and refusing to even listen to anything.... Its most likely, this heart will choose to be good and patient. Insya'Allah....
The good news never came.  Uncertainties on what lies ahead. Both of us, feeling a little lost. 
Part of me Redha....Part of me feels Bitter.....  I can let go, when I think of the less fortunate.....but I am not sure, how things will impact me....  Yes, I am confuse still. 
What I know is I believe in Qadr and a Muslimah, I have to believe in what has been ordain and decree and it is one of the pillars in Rukun Iman. 
I am reminded daily, of what Ustaz Hasbi taught me in one of his Tasawwuf class that I attended a few years back.  He said that Allah's Mercy is vast, and when Allah wants to give us Rezeki, it will be more than your ever imagine. Unlike humans who is afraid to give, ALLAH gives without measures…

~ The Job....

Not sure about what I want to write tonight but the picture says it all.... 
The thought of work the next day is dreading. 

Eversince the takeover by S*B*E, nothing is really certain, pay adjustment and benefits have not been discussed, job role has not been changed but a new added support have been added. 
My boss had been sent to Uruguay to learn the system and she will be gone for 1.5 months....D had been put in charged, with me supporting. I do not know how its gonna be like without O but I plan to take it a day at a time...E who is my big boss will also be on 2 weeks reservist...
I nearly broke down when O told me about October. 

I am stressed. I am depressed and I have just sent out my resume to a friend who works at a recruitment agency....
ALLAH knows best, I pray that he will lead me to what I should really be doing. 

We are waiting for some good news next week. I really pray Hubby gets the job....else I don't know what to say and where the path will lead us.

Been looking at Prop…

~ Subtle Changes....

Last night, I was awoken by your touch on my arms. Oh you're back..the thought ran through my mind..... You gave me 2 tender kisses on my cheeks. 
I was puzzled, but you told me to go back to sleep. You seem down. 
I could tell.
This morning you rushed down and join me in sending the kids to the bus. Abang was puzzled why you came down. 
Never had you sent them down to the bus. That meant alot to me and also the kids.
It hurts me to see you needing us. 
Now, we get to see you eating dinner at home.
Its weird, I should be happy right...
Happy yes, but confused too. 
If I could ask for anything, I just want you to be happy. Maybe the happiness that ALLAH has for you was not the sort you are chasing for. Maybe we are meant to be together, sharing your happiness.
My love for you never went away. Maybe I had kept it safely in the corner of my heart. For awhile, I had felt as if it was taken for granted I tried to make you see, that I needed your attention But you were too busy and perhaps thought…

~ Mak

The elections weekend are over. 

One memory that stuck to me......was how glad I am to be able to bring Mak out to vote and we had Chendol at Changi Village after that.

Alhamdullilah, we drove Mak to vote at Yumin Primary school near her block.

While she was in good spirits, my heart broke seeing her being pushed in a wheelchair by the elections staff.
Last 5 years, mum could walk. She walked next to Daddy to vote.
This year, 2015, she came with me, in a wheelchair, while Daddy went to vote with his other wife. 

I spoke to my Bro K today. I told him how mum would be going for an Operation next month and how she had suffered a hard childhood and now living sadly during her old age. 

Everyone has a story to tell...

Mak was born in a rich Angullia family in 1954. 

I could not stop crying while recounting how Mak was given away to a Malay family. Although Nyang, the old lady loved her so much, she was abused by some members of the family. She had to do housework and slept in the kitchen with Nyang…



I hope she makes you smile.
I hope when the sun go down, you will see the stars in her eyes.
I hope she let you run to her on days when you are not yourself.
I hope she knows your heart, and how beautiful you are.
I hope, her concern surpasses mine...

I love making people smile.
I wished I could continue to make you smile.
It's the little thing that we treasure.
Its the little jokes we had.
Its how your eyes met mine.
forgotten that you ever left, sometimes I hear you in the crowd.
The voice is fading....

Echoes of silence, brings back the memories.
That is why, my beads come in handy.
I used to measure Love in time. With you, I measure Love through my transformation.

I see the woman I used to be, in old photographs.
Most times, Id wished she'd come back.
Its takes time, she will return eventually.
I hope our path meets soon again, I hope she remembers me and forgives me for abandoning her.
I pray I find the strength to be happy again....
Id pray, he'd be who he was …

~ Repentance


~ Staying Positive

This drawing looks like the sassy cool attitude....

Zikir ALWAYS in the heart. 
La hawla wala quwawata illa billah  (there is neither power nor ability save by Allah).

~ Dear Abang and Adik...


~ Helper or HelperLess

Since I am HelperLess for the first time in 8 years, 

My face is Swollen and Oily. Tak Cantik lah. 


I pretty much do everything here, unless I tell the kids or DH to help me. 
Sometimes I feel, am I the Official mug washer or the tissue thrower?
Mugs are everywhere...from the dining table to the dressing table.
Cant it be place in the sink at least?

The kids have been helpful actually. They make their own bed, bath and get dress on their own. But they still need me to prepare their clothes, their meals and pretty much everything else. They  help me to trow the rubbish out at night. 

DH, he sleeps and prays, buys the groceries and makes his own cup of Milo.  

I wash, irons, cleans, puts back everything into place, sweeps, mop, vacuum, prepares our bags when we are going out, draws the curtains, pulls down the blinds, closes the windows, ensuring the switches are off, the terrapin pool is cleaned up, the terrapin fed, the cabinets wiped, the sink cleaned and scrub, the toilets cleaned…

~ The Bosch.

Now that the helper has gone back....this Bosch washer is my best friend and I 'sayang' her alot. She helps me with the laundry ensuring hot water cleans all the oil and dirt and is silent yet strong. A full load takes 1 hr 10 mins. Only takes Persil and Softlan. Been with me since 2011. I never treasure much of you before, but Now I do. I love you my Bosch washer. Don't Bail on me Okie.....

~ I dreamt...

I dreamt you found someone...
To fill that lonely heart...
I've been waiting for the day, to hear you found love again. 
For the first time, I didn't know what to expect of myself. 
My heart cried. 

Did I shed a tear? yes, there were still some left behind. 
A part of you never left my heart. 
A part of you, I let stay.
I could not let go, till today. 
The silence still come back now and then. I'd close my eyes shut, feeling the pain.

I wonder if you'd ever see me in her eyes, or that she could love you just as much. 
I thought...if I ever see you, would you smile at me?
I would hold the tears and stare in space maybe. 
Would you remember who I was to you?
Always your friend. 

I hope you would talk to me, maybe say Hi. 
but I would turn away, too broken to even say Hey....
It hurts, knowing there is someone new, but to see you smile
is something I had prayed for.

I hope, she can give you all the things I didn't. 
I hope, you will love her in the ways with me you couldn't. 
And I ho…

~ The day I took out my Wisdom Tooth

Alhamdullilah...Its Overrrrr....

I brought the kids to Sentosa with my friend in the morning, and in between, managed to settle my Bibik's flight and airport stuff. 
By 4.15pm, I was sitting in the dental clinic when Dr R called me in.
"Are you ready?" he said.... 
"Hmmmmm"...... was my unsure responds to him. 

After 4 injections  to numb my gums and abit of my lips, Dr R started to cut my upper back gums. When he said " Pass me Blade 12", my heart skipped a beat. Blade? 
Seriously It was so scary, and I was picturing him cutting my gums in my mind. I tried to divert to happy thoughts and I pictured my kids jumping off the boat in the warm waters of Gili. 
That was a good happy memory. 
Still it wasn't enough. My mind kept thinking back of what Dr R was doing to my gums every time there was a blood spurt.....
I tried to think of something better and the holy Kaabah came to mind. I was doing my Tawaf. Ahhh That's a good memory. 
So I was doing my Tawaf w…

~ ALLAH is the best of Planners

Allah..... This is so depressing....
yeah I only blog when I'm depress..ha-ha Its like a way I can let it Gooooo...

I do not know if I should laugh or cry.  Tomorrow I have planned to go to Sentosa with a good friend, her son and my kiddos.....we shall return around 2 plus and I will get ready and go for my Wisdom tooth removal.  My friend had taken off just so her son can spend some time with my kids.  Who would have thought, my helper dropped a shocker and told me she needed to go home to Semarang as her daughter is in ICU due to a bad accident.  The kids for one are so dissapointed, I feel bad for them. Abang understands but he is sad, he cant meet his friend.  I am so skeptical as its the start of the school holidays and what better time to take some days off....but I know nothing can happen without the will of Allah.
We plan. Allah plans. and HIS plans surpasses all. Nothing will happen without Allah's will. 
Aku Tawakkal Ya Allah.  Challenges, Challenges....
I thought, I could rest…