Words from my Heart...

I admit...I am fragile My heart breaks into a million pieces I am weak knowing your intent It is not a life I dream of I admit...I am emotional There are things that are not meant to be shared I cry every night for so many nights It is not a life I dream of I admit I am hurt I am not made strong and I only have ALLAH to cling on to I know what will happen, Most importantly HE knows.... I admit...I pray you will face me again, Becomes the man I married Not the one who seems stuck to his past Not the man who hurt me yet I love him Unconditionally... I pray what is planned will be HIS plan Because HIS plans will be the one That can get me through this....

Your reply to my Watapps this morning meant alot to me..... at a time, when I felt like collapsing on my way to work..... you called me Sayang....  . . . I listened to Whitney Houston today...its as if she was singing about me.... I have nothing...nothing...nothing...if I don't have you.... Will our memories survive, what can I hold on to? Can you feel the hurt in me, I feel so all alone.... I want to run to you..... will you hold me in your arms...and keep me safe from harm? Tell me will you stay?  or will you run away

Dunia boleh buat apa apa tapi mereka tak boleh menang kekuasaan Allah Di mana aku merasa tiada jalan untuk ku,  Aku Yaqin, Allah akan gantikan nya dengan yang lebih baik Ketika aku menangis dalam keperitan,  Allah melihat aku.  Aku hanya berpegang kepada dunia padahal, dunia yang hakiki adalah di akhirat nanti Apa yang aku sayang, bila di ambil balik,  aku yakin, Allah akan gantinya dengan yang lebih baik hanya aku tak nampak nya sekarang Dukacita ini, hanya seketika sahaja,  Hati aku mesti dekat dengan Allah.  Kesedihan ini mesti membuatku rapat dengan Allah.  Allah telah campakkan kesedihan ini di dalam diriku aku tidak berdaya untuk melawannya hanya untuk menjadi isteri yang lebih baik  dan mencari Allah pada waktu malam ku.. Ya Allah Aku mohon perlindungan mu dari dukacita yang telah menimpa diriku ini Mungkin dukacita ini akan membawa ku ker syurga. Mungkin kalau ini tidak menimpa ku, aku akan terus jadi manusia yang ...

Most of times, I find myself looking in,  your eyes, they are not meant for me anymore sometimes, I pray that you stay your old true self, and not evolve into a man, i can barely recognise  I felt I had to let go at times,  sacrifice myself for your love, even if it bleeds but i dont have the courage to live this life without you.  to do everything alone, without you by my side I wait outside hoping, looking in tears in my eyes, knowing I am not the one you heart yearns for cos I am not wanted anymore I am not the one you miss anymore.  she is all you see the loves songs are for her I am just no one, gone in the wind memories lost....just like that for 12 years, you held me close,  we did most things together,  I was your happiness, you were my love do you think this is what I deserve? the danger was I loved you too much you used to say I love you to me You used to tell me you missed me  All this is lost, suddenly... ...

Snapping some Pics @ Masjid Sultan Last weekend was one of the hardest by far, and IT hasn’t even begun yet The stress and pain was overwhelming, not to mentioned how I miss the old you. The old and NICE loving you. The one that does not talk about her to me.  Nonetheless, you have been the best husband I can ask for minus the romanticness that I wished for..hehe. In all other areas, you have made me a happy wife. Now it seems, she is a regular topic that you will bring up, leaving me sheredded and in pain. I believe if Allah wills it, who am I to stop it. After all, jodoh has been written for us when were are a mere blood clot in our mother’s womb. I can’t stop it. I will accept it, no matter how painful it is for me. Because, I love you deeply, embedded in my heart and I want our kids to have a complete home, unlike me whose dad went away. I will be nice. But that is as far as I will go. I cannot be all right with something that hurt me so ...

The adventurous jump at Gili Trawangan Semoga Allah gantikan kesedihan di hati kami dengan kebahagiaan, menggantikan apa yang kita hilang dengan yang lebih baik.....Aamiin. setiap ujian ada hikmah yang indah. hanya aku takut kehilangan orang yang sangat aku sayang.

Ya Allah.... sungguh kejam kata-katanya.....aku tahu, itu bukan dia.... Ya Allah,  Berilah aku kekuatan Lembutkan hatinya...Aku sayangkan dia.... Bantulah kami dan jangan engakau pisahkan kami... Kuatkan hati ku, sesungguhnya aku perlu berkerja....hentikan tangisan ku. Aku perlu kuat demi anak-anak ku.....demi Asyura. Ya Allah,  Engkau bukakan hatinya untuk sayangkan kami kembali seperti dahulu.    La ilaha illa Anta , Subhanaka, inni kuntu mina z-zalimin.  لا إلهَ إلا أنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظّالِمِيْنَ. 

Hādhā min fadli Rabbī  Today....I realised that there is no one I'd rather tell my sadness to other than Allah.  Not to Bibik, not to my best friend at work and certainly not to any of my family members.  I don't even thi nk I should be writing any more memoirs in my blogs as I want my kids to read this blog one day when I am not around anymore.  Abah has been the best husband to Ummi no matter what his short comings are and there is no other man I would dream of marrying other than Abah. Abah has taught Ummi many things and he has made me so happy in many ways.  I want you kids to know that I love Abah very much.  Ummi love you kiddos.  Ummi love Abah.... Ummi loves Abang and Adik.... Ummi minta maaf kalau Ummi tak sempurna. Ummi will continue trying my best to keep our family together. 

You and the kids on our yearly beach holiday.... Tears are falling down endlessly but I am trying to be strong.... I am lost, trying to understand. Because of the hurt, I cry during lunch, during solat zohor, during lonely walks home, during Asar and Magrib.  The pain inside seems burning..... This whole idea is breaking me down.  How can I be happy, when we had so many happy memories together.  Its like I am hanging... just hoping and praying the day won't come. I remember feeling thankful every time I see you come back from your dive trips.  I remember how I panicked when I woke up at 3am and you are not next to me just cos you went to JB and not tell me about it.  I remember how I would discuss with you all the important decisions in my life, or would tell you when anyone hurt me.  I remember how I would always protect you when someone speaks ill of you... I remember how you would buy me shoes, watches, clothes when you feel ...

We picked strawberries together in 2014. Bandung.  Mungkin Allah hendak selamatkan aku dari terus dikotori dosa dari melupakan diri dan dari terus dilanda kemarahanmu.... dari melupakan Allah semata-matanya kerana semuanya indah aja... dengan cubaan ini, aku lihat kehidupan ku lebih rapat dengan Allah.  Malam, aku dikejut para malaikat sekitar jam 3pagi... lalu aku bangun untuk solat sunat Tahajjud, Hajat dan Istighara dan Tawbah Tidak sekalipun pipiku tidak dibasahi tangisanku lantas aku beristigfar and memohon agar suamiku dan anak2ku tidak akan terpisah dari diriku selagi nyawaku masih lagi hidup dan jantungku berdetik. Aku bertaubat sepenuhnya....aku ingin menjadi isteri yang lebih prihatin dan hormat kepada suami dan juga kepada semua orang dari sekarang...Iya betul, hidup ini sebatang kara sebenarnya. Dengan sekelip mata aja, Allah boleh mengambil orang yang kita sayangi dari kita bukan?  Kini....Hidupku hanya untuk Allah, Rasullulah, suamiku da...

Ive lived with you for 12 years… I don’t know how to live my life other than with you My heart is breaking….every minute yet I want to spend what time I have with you just showing how special you are to me and hopefully 1 day, you will forget her. Polygamy is not easy. In the not so ideal world, anything can happen I need to be strong for my children. For now, my solace is she is not responding to any of this.  May Allah protect us from anything that will bring us sadness and heartbreak. Aameen

Its been 5 days since her dad said he made a police report against me for Harassment. I don’t know which part was harassment as it was family affairs and all this while in my 5 attempts to contact her, I had been very polite and full of adab. I also don’t know if he was just threatening me so I would stop texting him. He didn’t want his daughter to be blamed in all of this. I understand.   Never once had I hurled any vulgarities to them. That is not me. But of course I was getting paranoid. I don't know what was happening as you never reassure me.  The emotional turmoil of what her dad said in his last text was so great, I could not eat and in this spate of 5 days, I lost 2.5 KG. What he said about me and us were totally not true.  I had also deleted whatever information I had of her from my phone and her dad’s contact number. I don’t want to remember them anymore. I had also deleted all my Memoirs of a Good Wife series relating to this incident c...