Words from my Heart...

What have I been up to lately? Well, things got so much better at home.. Alhamdullilah...Alhamdullilah…Alhamdullilah… I am calmer, my appetite to eat has returned.... Though the hurtful topic comes up now and then, I believe, he knows I love him very much and how I wanna save my marriage and have changed myself to ensure he is happy and he is number 1 is my life after Allah and Rasullulah…. I believe I have done my best to let him know, how it is hard for me to accept polygamy, and how much I love him and need him in my life, together with the kids. I believe he loves me, even stronger now, and he is happy with how I am taking care of him… we are stronger as a couple, and we share our emotions more now.  More hugs, more kisses, more holdings hands….. I know, he still hopes for what he dreams of which is to have me and her at the same time, but maybe he knows, chances are slim… I thank Allah that she is quiet and perhaps not the least bit interest...

Dear Heart,  I see you broken again I feel you tearing again Cos you feel, you are not the one he waits for,  You are not the one in this thoughts. Dear Heart, you are doing your best your determination to  Sabar and Ihklas Taubah and Regrets Realise and Move forward,  Love without conditions has left me in awe.  Dear Heart,  Be strong.  I, your soul, is crying with you Each time you realised you are not who he waits for,  I feel your pain and your sadness Dear Heart, Don't tell anyone but Allah for only HE will understand the hurt HE will make you stronger,  HE has promised to be with the sad.  Dear Heart,  Patience for he will return one day.  He will notice your steadfastness and your strength to love him unconditionally... Grit the pain, cry if you must, but wipe it after  and smile.  for he still loves you...  just not now. 

I don't want to forget how you came to the clinic while I had my Wisdom tooth surgery last Thursday.  I thought, you might not be able to come. Though I was hoping you would. Like a little girl, I long to run to your arms and bury my face in your shoulders.  When our eyes met finally, your concerned look....I felt better instantly... to know you are there outside, waiting for me to be done.... To know, I had someone I could be manja too.  How you held me slowly and drove me home, with my swollen face. and how you hugged and kissed my forehead before you left again for work...... How lovely was the date at Short Street, the next day.. with my swollen cheeks.... Last night, you put yr arms around me as I layed my head against yr chest while you watched TV..... I felt your love for me.................like old days. How I regret....how I regret not immersing myself in your love every single day before this.  I told you....with te...

Its now sheer happiness every time you get home from work....  to prepare your bath towel and prayer mats and make you feel at ease.... Alhamdullilah, I am thankful when you are home next to me and we are able to do Isyak prayers together, followed by Baa'diah and Witr and than I serve you dinner.  I am thankful when I get to do Jemaah next to you, as your makmum and you being my Imam. I hope this routine will never end.  Sitting next to you as you recite duas, the heart feels at ease.... terharu sangat.... but still hoping, you won't be taken away from me.  Everyday I pray, with all my heart, Allah will give me another chance to be a better wife than who I was before. 

You must realised the tears which fall when you were asleep, sometimes you'd wake up and ask me why... I would never tell you and will pat you back to sleep.... I am trying to be strong....I regret those years where I try to be independent, not needy of you. I regret so much. Life is short. What if one of us goes tomorrow? Only Allah knows how much I miss being the only one in your heart.... The tears are also because I feel thankful, I still have you lying next to me....You are still next to me every night.  The weekend went well... Beach Road for dinner and the next day as well...remember the Mee Hoon goreng TER Pedas? and the free Mee Goreng after that?  Remember "Can I order but we share?" ~ Adik's infamous phrase... hehehe....  You coming over to spend time with us during our Staycation....I am thankful....  Us playing around in bed the next morning and not getting any privacy at all cos Abang and Adik climb on top of us.....

Alhamdullilah our new home is complete The toilets have been newly renovated by HDB and we have since moved back here again..Alhamdullilah..... I genuinely love our new home...its location and the layout.... I pray we can hold on to this house as long as we can The blessings left behind from the old owner can be felt Its our 3rd home together..I hope where ever you go, we will be together... I am alone in our room, waiting for you to come back... Everything feels complete except I feel empty inside. I feel rejected. I feel that the love you once had for me is gone...it comes and goes. When you remember her, I am a mere nothing.... I feel as if I am the lady the Hero don't love in the movie. No matter how good I am, I can never have that Top spot in your heart again. I feel like I am holding on to something that does not want to be held. I feel like I am the lady who does know know shame... to love a man who loves someone else.... But I am your wife.... Sh...

I admit...I am fragile My heart breaks into a million pieces I am weak knowing your intent It is not a life I dream of I admit...I am emotional There are things that are not meant to be shared I cry every night for so many nights It is not a life I dream of I admit I am hurt I am not made strong and I only have ALLAH to cling on to I know what will happen, Most importantly HE knows.... I admit...I pray you will face me again, Becomes the man I married Not the one who seems stuck to his past Not the man who hurt me yet I love him Unconditionally... I pray what is planned will be HIS plan Because HIS plans will be the one That can get me through this....

Your reply to my Watapps this morning meant alot to me..... at a time, when I felt like collapsing on my way to work..... you called me Sayang....  . . . I listened to Whitney Houston today...its as if she was singing about me.... I have nothing...nothing...nothing...if I don't have you.... Will our memories survive, what can I hold on to? Can you feel the hurt in me, I feel so all alone.... I want to run to you..... will you hold me in your arms...and keep me safe from harm? Tell me will you stay?  or will you run away

Dunia boleh buat apa apa tapi mereka tak boleh menang kekuasaan Allah Di mana aku merasa tiada jalan untuk ku,  Aku Yaqin, Allah akan gantikan nya dengan yang lebih baik Ketika aku menangis dalam keperitan,  Allah melihat aku.  Aku hanya berpegang kepada dunia padahal, dunia yang hakiki adalah di akhirat nanti Apa yang aku sayang, bila di ambil balik,  aku yakin, Allah akan gantinya dengan yang lebih baik hanya aku tak nampak nya sekarang Dukacita ini, hanya seketika sahaja,  Hati aku mesti dekat dengan Allah.  Kesedihan ini mesti membuatku rapat dengan Allah.  Allah telah campakkan kesedihan ini di dalam diriku aku tidak berdaya untuk melawannya hanya untuk menjadi isteri yang lebih baik  dan mencari Allah pada waktu malam ku.. Ya Allah Aku mohon perlindungan mu dari dukacita yang telah menimpa diriku ini Mungkin dukacita ini akan membawa ku ker syurga. Mungkin kalau ini tidak menimpa ku, aku akan terus jadi manusia yang ...

Most of times, I find myself looking in,  your eyes, they are not meant for me anymore sometimes, I pray that you stay your old true self, and not evolve into a man, i can barely recognise  I felt I had to let go at times,  sacrifice myself for your love, even if it bleeds but i dont have the courage to live this life without you.  to do everything alone, without you by my side I wait outside hoping, looking in tears in my eyes, knowing I am not the one you heart yearns for cos I am not wanted anymore I am not the one you miss anymore.  she is all you see the loves songs are for her I am just no one, gone in the wind memories lost....just like that for 12 years, you held me close,  we did most things together,  I was your happiness, you were my love do you think this is what I deserve? the danger was I loved you too much you used to say I love you to me You used to tell me you missed me  All this is lost, suddenly... ...

Snapping some Pics @ Masjid Sultan Last weekend was one of the hardest by far, and IT hasn’t even begun yet The stress and pain was overwhelming, not to mentioned how I miss the old you. The old and NICE loving you. The one that does not talk about her to me.  Nonetheless, you have been the best husband I can ask for minus the romanticness that I wished for..hehe. In all other areas, you have made me a happy wife. Now it seems, she is a regular topic that you will bring up, leaving me sheredded and in pain. I believe if Allah wills it, who am I to stop it. After all, jodoh has been written for us when were are a mere blood clot in our mother’s womb. I can’t stop it. I will accept it, no matter how painful it is for me. Because, I love you deeply, embedded in my heart and I want our kids to have a complete home, unlike me whose dad went away. I will be nice. But that is as far as I will go. I cannot be all right with something that hurt me so ...

The adventurous jump at Gili Trawangan Semoga Allah gantikan kesedihan di hati kami dengan kebahagiaan, menggantikan apa yang kita hilang dengan yang lebih baik.....Aamiin. setiap ujian ada hikmah yang indah. hanya aku takut kehilangan orang yang sangat aku sayang.

Ya Allah.... sungguh kejam kata-katanya.....aku tahu, itu bukan dia.... Ya Allah,  Berilah aku kekuatan Lembutkan hatinya...Aku sayangkan dia.... Bantulah kami dan jangan engakau pisahkan kami... Kuatkan hati ku, sesungguhnya aku perlu berkerja....hentikan tangisan ku. Aku perlu kuat demi anak-anak ku.....demi Asyura. Ya Allah,  Engkau bukakan hatinya untuk sayangkan kami kembali seperti dahulu.    La ilaha illa Anta , Subhanaka, inni kuntu mina z-zalimin.  لا إلهَ إلا أنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنْتُ مِنَ الظّالِمِيْنَ. 

Hādhā min fadli Rabbī  Today....I realised that there is no one I'd rather tell my sadness to other than Allah.  Not to Bibik, not to my best friend at work and certainly not to any of my family members.  I don't even thi nk I should be writing any more memoirs in my blogs as I want my kids to read this blog one day when I am not around anymore.  Abah has been the best husband to Ummi no matter what his short comings are and there is no other man I would dream of marrying other than Abah. Abah has taught Ummi many things and he has made me so happy in many ways.  I want you kids to know that I love Abah very much.  Ummi love you kiddos.  Ummi love Abah.... Ummi loves Abang and Adik.... Ummi minta maaf kalau Ummi tak sempurna. Ummi will continue trying my best to keep our family together. 

You and the kids on our yearly beach holiday.... Tears are falling down endlessly but I am trying to be strong.... I am lost, trying to understand. Because of the hurt, I cry during lunch, during solat zohor, during lonely walks home, during Asar and Magrib.  The pain inside seems burning..... This whole idea is breaking me down.  How can I be happy, when we had so many happy memories together.  Its like I am hanging... just hoping and praying the day won't come. I remember feeling thankful every time I see you come back from your dive trips.  I remember how I panicked when I woke up at 3am and you are not next to me just cos you went to JB and not tell me about it.  I remember how I would discuss with you all the important decisions in my life, or would tell you when anyone hurt me.  I remember how I would always protect you when someone speaks ill of you... I remember how you would buy me shoes, watches, clothes when you feel ...

We picked strawberries together in 2014. Bandung.  Mungkin Allah hendak selamatkan aku dari terus dikotori dosa dari melupakan diri dan dari terus dilanda kemarahanmu.... dari melupakan Allah semata-matanya kerana semuanya indah aja... dengan cubaan ini, aku lihat kehidupan ku lebih rapat dengan Allah.  Malam, aku dikejut para malaikat sekitar jam 3pagi... lalu aku bangun untuk solat sunat Tahajjud, Hajat dan Istighara dan Tawbah Tidak sekalipun pipiku tidak dibasahi tangisanku lantas aku beristigfar and memohon agar suamiku dan anak2ku tidak akan terpisah dari diriku selagi nyawaku masih lagi hidup dan jantungku berdetik. Aku bertaubat sepenuhnya....aku ingin menjadi isteri yang lebih prihatin dan hormat kepada suami dan juga kepada semua orang dari sekarang...Iya betul, hidup ini sebatang kara sebenarnya. Dengan sekelip mata aja, Allah boleh mengambil orang yang kita sayangi dari kita bukan?  Kini....Hidupku hanya untuk Allah, Rasullulah, suamiku da...

Ive lived with you for 12 years… I don’t know how to live my life other than with you My heart is breaking….every minute yet I want to spend what time I have with you just showing how special you are to me and hopefully 1 day, you will forget her. Polygamy is not easy. In the not so ideal world, anything can happen I need to be strong for my children. For now, my solace is she is not responding to any of this.  May Allah protect us from anything that will bring us sadness and heartbreak. Aameen

Its been 5 days since her dad said he made a police report against me for Harassment. I don’t know which part was harassment as it was family affairs and all this while in my 5 attempts to contact her, I had been very polite and full of adab. I also don’t know if he was just threatening me so I would stop texting him. He didn’t want his daughter to be blamed in all of this. I understand.   Never once had I hurled any vulgarities to them. That is not me. But of course I was getting paranoid. I don't know what was happening as you never reassure me.  The emotional turmoil of what her dad said in his last text was so great, I could not eat and in this spate of 5 days, I lost 2.5 KG. What he said about me and us were totally not true.  I had also deleted whatever information I had of her from my phone and her dad’s contact number. I don’t want to remember them anymore. I had also deleted all my Memoirs of a Good Wife series relating to this incident c...

This is Me... I felt so empty today, maybe cos it’s been 3 days of heavy bleeding….. The soul felt lost. As if there is no life, like a zombie just making her way to work, on a gloomy Monday Morning….. My heart belongs at home with my kids… after spending a good weekend with them…My lips smile, thinking of the last weekend…. Drove around with the kids and Mum…I feel proud of myself, able to take up my hubby’s role which is to run the errands and able to drive further than my comfort zone. We went to my cousin’s place in Bedok and then I drove mum and Rania back to Figaro. The past few months have been a big test for me… with mum’s sickness and Abang’s behavior issues. I must say, I don’t really know how I managed to go through all this if it is not for Allah’s help. Many times, I felt as if I was going crazy. Juggling everything from a daughter, to a mother to a wife. Not to mention his in senseless idea to get a second wife. Am I selfish to not agree?...

I would never have thought that 4 years since 2013, I would have the strength to write like this... Someone wrote to me today. Regarding Abang’s ADHD. I could see myself in her 3 years ago. Confused and worries, cos there are many questions unanswered. The sad thing is ADHD is not a sickness where you can see the marks or symptoms. Kids with ADHD look normal, but their brains cannot process some things, therefore most people who do not know about ADHD will think and presume that the child is naturally naughty, stubborn, rude and ill-discipline. The parents get the blame for not discipline the child thus, putting a lot of anger and frustrations in the parents. It really helps if both parents can accept the fact and stick together to help the child. For my case, I was really alone because my husband, do not believe in ADHD. Alhamdullilah, it’s been 4 years since Abang was diagnosed. It’s still a challenge, most days, I have to repeat myself like a parrot for him to st...